your parents love me but you hate me
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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