I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
