i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
YAS. BRING CRAB.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
