So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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