I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
