After last night, I could never be a politician.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
