The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
