I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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