Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
