i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize
