thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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