I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I am mentally ready for anal.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
