Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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