Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
