Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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