Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
