Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
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