I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
