if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
