Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
