Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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