i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
