So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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