In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
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