I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
