Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
