my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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