the condom got lost in my hair
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
