If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
