SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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