You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
