Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Is it because I queefed?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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