Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
