I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
