my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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