i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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