I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
