Betty ford says i'm here all night
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
