This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
