I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
