Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
