uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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