I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
