White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
