He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
