Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
In other news, I just burned my penis
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
