Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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