He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
