life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
