i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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