wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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